Posts from the ‘Systems Diagramming’ category

Why I Went to Graduate School

School sucks. I hated school so much that my brain would instantly fall asleep when I went to class. If I went to class. The same for when I got carsick or drove. Just an all around unpleasant experience. If I were an animal, I’d be a bunny. Who just passed out when shit got terrible. It all started in 3rd or 4th grade, when I started to get bored.

I had sleep studies done. They put me on adderall. Ritalin. I mostly just had more pocket money cause I hated that shit.

I tried everything.

Except going to a school that taught differently.

I went to Pinchot because it was what I thought school should be. You see, when I was looking at MBA programs like Stanford and MIT Sloan, they seemed like slogs. And they’d only teach me a tiny bit of the picture using a traditional teaching method.

Traditional is our tragedy as Americans.

I thought to myself, “higher ed should be taught on frequent, village-sized campuses, where everyone lives together in a community. And learns by doing at a rigorous pace with an inventive, memorable, workshop-based curriculum. The professors shouldn’t just be PhD’s like they are at MIT Sloan. They should have stories. They should have already made a big impact. And teach from experience.” I wanted entrepreneurial teachers who listened.

Sadly, I didn’t think this existed.

I opted out of getting an MBA even though it had secretly been a dream of mine to get those three, shiny letters. Walking away seemed better than throwing away a few hundred grand for something I’d do much better on my own (and did).

I put together a MOOC-based MBA. But only two weeks after I’d started, I found what I had been looking for.

At Impact Hub Seattle, we were suddenly awash with Sustainability MBA’s from upstairs. These new hosts were pretty great to work with. What’s more, they didn’t suck to work with.

Upon investigation, I learned about Pinchot (Chapter 3).

  • Taught systems thinking
  • Workshop and project-based
  • Everyone came from diverse work backgrounds.
  • The whole curriculum was integrated…like a system.
  • It was taught in the woods where we got to hang out and live together for almost a week.
  • The day I happened to visit, they were doing the Lean Canvas. Basically, my favorite thing to do.
  • The perfect amount of our assignments were, go out into the wilderness and write about it, then tell us about it.
  • While most schools studied systems, we did our own deep analysis by the end of December. It was also a white paper.
  • While most schools studied case studies, we wrote our own by the end of March. Our whole curriculum was a case study.
  • Our first field trip was living in a spectacular version of what’s possible on an island in the British Columbian wilderness.
  • While most schools took five months (a semester) to teach entrepreneurship and how to write a business plan, we did it accelerator style in three. We got one big assumption though (e.g. our technology works), so it was great for learning at the maximum speed. Cause the second year was for actually doing a business, not the first. But sometimes folks used both for a real business.

I’m not even mentioning the sustainability parts, which are HUGE. I think we are queued up more than anyone on the planet to deal with what’s to come.

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Even better, I transferred my second year to a Sustainability MBA program on Wall Street. It uses a non-integrated curriculum, so I can do deep dives into whatever I want. Which I have. And it still is almost entirely workshop and project based. Except now we work for clients at real companies to see what that’s like. Good, lord, I don’t know how people do it. Do meetings ever start on time? Seriously? How lazy can we be?

But I digress.

Can you imagine if traditional MBA’s taught this way? Both a sustainability-focused way and then a hybrid way?

The book, Makers and Takers, says that traditional MBA’s go into the program thinking that their job is to “benefit a diverse group of stakeholders.” But by the end of the second semester, they think that “greed is good”. And they think that the way to be greedy is to “increase shareholder returns at any cost and produce less high quality goods and services.”

What the fuck.

What’s worse is that every year we church out 156,250 of these people. Not you, of course. Because you’re not in a traditional MBA program.

Just the majority of 156,250.

Yikes.

Giving Voice to Values says that in traditional MBA ethics classes, they learn how to rationalize and justify unethical behavior and choices. Literally, a handbook of arguments.

So, I joined Pinchot cause I didn’t want to be an asshole.

MBA’s aside, most education in the US is garbage compared to what it could be.

Everyone knows the story of the Indian kids who were given a computer.

A teacher that can be replaced by a machine should be.

If children have interest, then education happens.

Arthur C. Clark

Our education squashes curiosity, so it’s no wonder that our skills gap is being filled with immigrants. Except that we stopped letting immigrants here. So we’re still going to have a bunch of unemployed people, and on top of that not enough skilled labor. Then American businesses will just die. And we’ll get wiped out because other countries are educating their people properly.

Great.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Hypotheses for the Successful Adoption of Mental Models around Entrepreneurialism

  1. Learning
    1. The vast majority of people have experienced oppressive, suppressive, overly structured, unimaginative, wasteful learning methods for the majority of their education. These methods are based on the industrialization of the world in the early 1800’s and haven’t been updated with the pace of technology and science, despite being scientifically disproven and one-upped again and again. Bureaucracy and insecurity prevents us from improving education. It’s our greatest tragedy in America.
    2. The vast majority of people have not experienced a proper workshop with a proper team in a proper space. Experiencing this would make a positive and profound difference on how they see the world, themselves, and their life. Some percentage of these people will have a viral difference on the people around them.
    3. It’s been a while since Americans learned by doing, such as apprenticeships. Which is such a shame, since they’d be so easy and economical now, and other countries are doing them.
  2. Empowerment
    1. The vast majority of people have not experienced a proper work environment and culture.
    2. The vast majority of people do not know how to plan for the future and are not prepared. They also have no hope for retirement.
    3. The corruption behind ITT Tech and University of Phoenix continues to set off a tidal wave of disenfranchised, negatively impacted students. When ITT Tech closed in Sept 2016, just at that time, they had 40,000 students and 8,000 employees. Students have been suing since 1998. That’s a lot of people, their families, and a giant chunk of our country.

Hypotheses for the Target Audience (at least one is true)

  1. They have no hope for retirement.
  2. They don’t want to have to work for anything.
  3. They’re afraid their job will be replaced by a robot. For example, truck drivers, factory workers, and accountants. In addition, I predicted that self-driving cars would predominate major cities within 4 years. Last Friday, Tim Ferriss predicted 3.

In which direction should I go to run a beta test? A small pilot with about ten people in the boonies. Eastern or Western Washington?

I say this with urgency as I’d love to just target kids and the education system. But the reality is that no one’s invested in our kids for a while, especially not us. And, we don’t have enough time to wait for them. We need engaged adults now. Like, right now. Now. Yes, now.

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Am I A Wantrepreneur?

diagram of the wantrepreneurial cycle of delusion

The horror!

Wantrepreneur is a derogatory term in the West. Entrepreneurs and venture capitalists use it to describe people who like the idea of entrepreneurship, but fail at execution.

Wantrepreneurs:

  • Think that entrepreneurship is easy. Set your own schedule, be your own boss, you’re Facebook.
  • Like the idea of being an entrepreneur. The identity of entrepreneur. The extroverted ones go to meetups and stuff and feel super cool, like they always have a great conversation piece.
  • Think they have come up with an original idea and are terrified that someone will steal it. Their business is crippled by attempts to protect the idea, either through isolation or the black hole of patents. But they don’t google the idea to see if it already exists. And they direct no effort to validation or getting their first customer. And oftentimes, successful business takes a village that they can’t create if they don’t talk to anyone.
  • Think that entrepreneurialism means being in control, often after a lifetime of feeling like they lack it. But true entrepreneurialism is about focusing on what they actually can control, which is typically only themselves.

Chapter 1: A Hustler

I started my first business in 6th grade selling lists of the hottest boys to local socialites. This was before printers, so it was a handwritten list that I updated whenever I felt like (usually weekly), and for $5, you could look at it.

Then I sold concert tickets. Which failed miserably because as it turns out, I was the only one willing to pay premium prices for tickets to sold out festivals and concerts. I had convinced my Dad to be an investor in this one, and I lost all of his money.

Fast forward through a bunch of shitty and not so shitty businesses to undergraduate school.

I thought that I needed this piece of paper to do real things and real businesses. I did not see it as an opportunity to explore, discover, experience, and learn, so I asked my Dad what I should major in. He said biochemistry, and at the time, it was an excellent choice. I ended up with biology, and it took over six years. It was here that I discovered that I’m not someone who can accomplish a goal that I don’t fully buy in to. Buy-in is so important!

Why do I want to go to college?
Because I was told that I needed it to get my ticket punched.

What is getting my ticket punched?
An easy ride.

Yeah, I was one of those. A super super senior. On the upside, in addition to Biology, I’d thoroughly meandered through English, Psychology, and Film.

But I desperately wanted that easy ride. And turns out, the path of least resistance results in a waaaay longer path.

Chapter 2: A Quitter

The search for the easy path started when I heard, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Instead of asking why this was true, I asked, “Why bother being strong at all? It sounds terrible. Let’s just avoid the trauma altogether.” I didn’t know about post-traumatic growth.

To me, the X-Men were the ultimate easy-riders. Xavier said to mutants, “Come live at my estate for free and be a hero because you won the genetic lottery of magical abilities and superhuman hotness.” I saw what I wanted to see, which wasn’t how powers were extremely challenging to control and being a hero meant persecution, fear, and loads of baggage. I saw Jean Grey as a badass, not as a target for love triangles, enemies, and cosmic entities. My filter blocked the broken bodies, death toll, and persistent tests of moral fiber and strength of will. Plus the time toiled away in the Danger Room, where everyone worked hard. I never saw their failures and how they just kept picking themselves back up and trying again.

Unfortunately, my lizard brain, after decades of denying my cravings for challenge, invented a self-defense mechanism I’ve named Self-Sabotage Sally. Whenever I’d lose sight of possibility, I’d quit.

The most tremendous instance of this was ARCBio. I was introduced to some folks at IBM who had a problem that I could solve. I didn’t know how to solve the problem, but I knew that I could. And after two months of figuring it out, I landed a year-long contract to do it.

At first, I wanted ARCBio to revolutionize in vitro (non-animal) testing. The European Union had just banned animal testing for cosmetics, and I wanted the US to do the same. But by the end of the first year, I burned myself out and got fat. By year two, I revolutionized non-animal testing, but didn’t share it with anyone because I didn’t think anyone respected or listened to fat women. I hated myself. In year three, I focused on maximizing shareholder profit. I was the only shareholder, so I had a pretty sweet lifestyle business. I ate my money. By the beginning of the fourth year, I could see myself doing ARCBio forever, but was miserable as hell. I refocused on scaling the business and hiring some full-time people to run the lab. But by the end of the year, I quit.

Here are a few of the thousand reasons why I chose to close ARCBio:

  • I was so unhappy that my experiments were no longer reproducible. After spending years optimizing scientific protocols to the point of absolute reproducibility, all of my experiments failed. With clinical precision, I tested every single perimeter to figure out what was going wrong. At the end of the day, the common denominator was me.
  • I was a horrible boss who made an intern cry through an email. I was the villain.
  • One of the people I was working with was incredibly toxic and we all knew it. He’d spent years 2-3 blaming me for a mistake that he finally confessed to (he hadn’t taken good enough lab notes…::facepalm::). He was brilliant, which is why he was kept around, but he and I were like, “oil and water.” IBM was my biggest customer, and I worked with other groups, but I couldn’t see a way to avoid him.
  • I had fallen out of love with the life sciences after hearing the same story for the twentieth time:

“I found the cure to cancer and big pharma bought it up. I thought they were going to bring it through clinical trials because I couldn’t, but they locked up the cure and threw away the key.”

The same went for diabetes and others too. I was heartbroken and jaded. Other things about the life sciences were crushing including the regulation and corruption. I swore off the whole industry.

  • I hated California. But the business was in California, and I couldn’t see a way to move it elsewhere.

California was a whole other story.

I lived in San Jose, my first time living in a big city. This part is going to be very not PC, but this was my experience. Skip down to Chapter 3 if you’re from Seattle.

In Baltimore, people of color are so frequently and publicly beat down (figuratively and literally), that you can give unwanted attention a single look, and they would start heading the other way. To this day, I cannot imagine what it is like for super attractive women who are constantly threatened and harassed physically and verbally. To this day, I cannot imagine what it is like for people of color who are constantly oppressed and disempowered.

But I digress. In Baltimore, I felt like I had power and control because of my white-looking privilege. San Jose was completely different, where I was a target.

In Man Jose, men outnumbered the women 1.23 to 1. One-third was Hispanic and one-third was Asian or Asian Indian. It was a tough place to be a woman, where I would get the same attention I got in Baltimore except these men were relentless. I was seen as a white hole that could be captured with a wide enough net and enough intimidation, heckling, and body-shaming. Not a great selling point for diversity. Perhaps they should include an equity workshop with every work visa.

But I digress.

I was at dinner with a Korean and two Indians. One of the Indians said that he was only in the US to fool around, and that if he got a white girl, great. But if not, whenever he was ready, he would call his mom and ask for a wife. She’d send him a binder with Facebook-like profiles of all the suitable girls in his village, and he would pick one. Did the girls have a choice? Yes, but they never said no. The other Indian guy chimed in and agreed. Ultimately, they did not see women as equals, but as something to be acquired. The Korean guy was jealous.

Another time, I was downtown at night when an Indian guy yelled at me across the street. He was with his friends, and when I smiled and shook my head, he yelled, “Whatever. You are fat and disgusting anyway.” And this was my experience in San Jose time and time again.

The Hispanics would drive alongside me in their unmarked, white vans while commenting on my appearance out their window. As a single, white-looking female in a big city for the first time, my mind would run with the horrific possibilities. The best case scenario was when they’d just yell at me and drive away. Other times, I’d have to walk to places other than my home until they went away. The same went for when we were both on the street, but they were much more aggressive when in their vehicle.

I didn’t know how to handle any of this and didn’t have any friends or support. I would have nightmares and was afraid to go to sleep or leave the house at night. I constantly strategized escape and fight scenarios.

At some point, I got so fat that the harassment stopped. Then I’d be told I was fat and disgusting, so I’d start to lose weight. Then I’d get fit, receive unwanted attention, and would binge eat again. This was a vicious cycle. Well, it still is. Damned if I’m fit, damned if I’m not. And I let it cripple myself and ARCBio.

Chapter 3: A Wantrepreneur and a Hypocrite

When I first moved to Seattle, I spent a year and a half working on over 100 businesses. I used to say that as if I was bragging, like I’d defeated 100 businesses.

During the era of 100 businesses, I found myself overwhelmed and stressed. When I counted, I realized I was working on 9 different projects, both with others and individually. I was unfocused and there were always reasons to not do something.

  • I didn’t want to do a STEAM coworking space because two people I respected didn’t give me its blessing, Seattle already had 37 coworking spaces at the time, and a well-publicized and funded makerspace had recently failed.
  • I didn’t want to do decorative, portable plastic raincoats because plastic. And plastic is based on the petroleum industry and so on. And I’m not going to do better than China.
  • I didn’t want to do purse inserts because they’re already a thing. And I’m not going to do better than China.
  • I didn’t want to pursue Refreshing Renton because all of the industry people I spoke with gave me dozens of reasons why it wouldn’t work. I wanted Washington to be the first VOC-free state. Turns out, I was too early because a year later, almost all new Seattle buildings were tested for indoor air pollution and VOC’s.
  • I didn’t want to do Caffeine Vape because of, well, the target demographic. It felt wrong. Turns out, caffeine vapes are now a thing.
  • I didn’t want to do a restaurant that focused exclusively on business lunches with inhalable cocktails that had you buzzed in seconds and sober in 15 minutes. Because food was hard.

There are tons more that can be found in countless pro formas, pictures of whiteboarding, lean canvasses, and Evernote’s up the wazoo. A lot of them are at Ideas from Last Night, a graveyard for my killed ideas. You’ll find that most of them are now real businesses run by other people.

After watching this happen over and over again, my Dad finally worked up the courage to ask me something that had been bugging him. I’ll paraphrase.

Are you a wantrepreneur?

graph of wantrepreneur vs. entrepreneur vs. heather

The horror!

There are two things to point out here.

  1. Validation of an idea didn’t mean whether or not it worked. I never had any doubt that any business I wanted to do would be successful. But what I did doubt was whether or not a business was for me. Tim Urban of Wait But Why points out that every economic revolution has people freaking out about what to do with their lives – create widgets or come up with something new? For me, it was also, “Is this what I want to do for the next five years?” And, “Is this going to make a big enough impact on the world?”
  2. I also noticed that when I got serious enough about a business to have a cofounder, my cofounder would often leave to become an employee. I have a graveyard of cofounder agreements. I don’t know what the problem was. Was I getting the cofounder too early? Was I picking the wrong cofounders? Was it me?

I can recognize a wantrepreneur more easily than I think others can for two reasons.

  1. I was a wantrepreneur to the tune of 100 businesses.
  2. During this time, I did pro-bono small business consulting at Impact Hub, a coworking space in Seattle. I did paid work for small businesses too, but they were already up and running. I really thought that I could help founders, but soon became frustrated at the inaction. They would talk on and on about their idea, would say they’d do the next step, and never would. The most popular was due diligence or a pro forma. Have you googled to see if anyone else is doing this? Have you made a pro forma to see how this could meet your financial expectations? I realized that this procrastination was not only a form of self sabotage, but a self-defense mechanism. It’s easier to imagine being an entrepreneur than to find out that the idea your whole future hinges on won’t work. By the way, no one’s whole future hinges on one idea.

Chapter 4: A Student

So I decided to give school another shot and do it right this time. No more easy ways out for me!

I joined a Sustainability MBA program with a heavy emphasis on leadership and personal development.

From this, I finally got that I could have it all: positive environmental, social, and economic impact. But it had to start with figuring out my own shit.

Here are a few things I’ve learned these past two months:

  • Once I figure something out, I lose interest. No matter how much I think the world needs it. And come hell or high water, I won’t bring it to the world or finish. The best of example of this was when I was holding women’s events. I discovered that most of my attendees were looking to make a career transition. So I informational interviewed and researched my way to the secret sauce of a successful career transition. But my writing didn’t keep up with my learning, so it just sits on my Evernote and a few blog posts.
  • Someone on my school team thought I should bring more of my own experience to the table. At first, I was like wah. My experience is mostly in the life sciences. And we don’t do any life sciences. But now I realize that I tend to just translate my experience and skills immediately into action. Then, I communicate the action with no explanation.
  • I have a fear of abandonment in teams. For years, I peeled myself like an onion only to discover that my fear of abandonment started when I was a baby. My Mom had read a baby book that said she should never pick me up when I cried, because otherwise I would never be independent. Sadly, this was incredibly damaging, even though my Mom had the best intentions. What I didn’t know was how this manifests itself when I’m working with other people who I deeply care about. I will do absolutely fantastic work for the first half. Then I will react to an externality such as competing commitments or negative feedback, hopelessly decide that I’ve let everyone down, and will hide lest I screw up things even more. I will communicate the whole time and complete my work, but it won’t be my best and every task feels like an avalanche. Others will be supportive, but I won’t hear it. Because…
  • I don’t hear or remember good things. I literally filter and forget them. For example, shortly after Trump got elected, I was leading Circle at school. When it was over, I spent half the day pondering what I’d done wrong and what I could have done better. While talking with a classmate about this, she stopped me and asked, “Do you not remember when [the cofounder and Director of the school] thanked you, talked about how much of a difference this had made for him, and everyone clapped for you?” Suddenly the memory came back. But I don’t remember the other times.
  • I want to save the world from climate change. It is my deepest desire. But I am doing nothing to fight climate change right now, and it’s all rooted in ego. I just want to be the hero.
  • Nothing makes my heart swell more than heros. Like Dumbledore’s Army or the Order of the Phoenix. Or all of Hogwarts in The Deathly Hallows Part II. I watched all of Harry Potter over the holidays and it was glorious.
  • I’m a liar.
  • I’m a hypocrite.
picture of my cork board with cards that say nice things

My latest experiment.

Chapter 5: A Balance

I have an undisciplined pursuit of more.

But by having an undisciplined pursuit of more, I’ve ended up with less.

picture of balancing feedback loop of my strengthsfinder results

Yikes!

What we have here is a balancing feedback loop. A problem presents a challenge. The greater the challenge, the greater the impact. The greater the impact, the greater my interest in it. The more interested I am, the more I strategize. The more I strategize, the more actions I come up with. The more actions I try, the more solutions I come up with. The more solutions there are, the less challenging the problem.

If we started with a less challenging problem, the whole loop would repeat again with less challenging, so less impactful, so less interesting, so I quit. I’m not enough of a perfectionist to do a third redo to include the quitting, but just know that there’s a line that goes out of Interest to something like Rate of Quitting.

My goal is to stick with something, so I want to turn this balancing feedback loop into a reinforcing loop.

What are the leverage points? What variables do I focus on?

For starters, I’ve found 100 problems and didn’t commit to any of them. There’s no shortage of problems. If I redid this again, Problem could be a stock with unlimited supply.

Next, I’ve definitively proven, at least in my mind, that I love, love, love challenge. No more easy ways out for me!

Impact is tough. I can’t save the world, at least not singlehandedly. And knowing how systems work, it can’t be by doing one thing. Since it’s the challenge that influences the impact, maybe the challenge needs to be big enough that problems need to have a constant flow.

Oh, shit. I just realized that the goal of this system is to be heroic. Yikes!

picture of systems diagram

Okay, okay. Here’s a redo. Click to enlarge. 

I find out about these challenges and once I understand them and have solutions, sometimes I’ll go straight to feeling heroic and QUIT. Wtf.

So, the leverage point is somewhere around ideas to tackle the challenge. Feelings can be pretty powerful, but in this case they’re causal!

Time to head to work. Happy New Year!

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There Are So Many Bubbles!

I watched The Big Short today. It was kind of traumatic.

brad pitt

I mean, mostly.

Months ago, I had started to read the book, had gotten about a third of the way through, and had to stop. I had started to hate humanity, which was no bueno.

The movie was the same. I had to watch it in two pieces. Half at night and the other half the next morning. It was so sad that I went back to bed when it was over. It was 5am, so I didn’t feel too terrible about it.

The Big Short was about a bad bubble. A really bad bubble. It wasn’t a bubble that I belonged to, but I know millions of people got shit on. It was a terrible mess and still is.

But I digress. Let’s talk about some better (?) bubbles.

Today, I was talking with my friend about how every time I go to a potluck, someone (one time it was three) brings fried chicken. She said, “We must live in different bubbles.”

ACTUALLY

I belong to many bubbles.

  • Potlucks with lots of fried chicken
  • Potlucks with gluten free everything
  • Potlucks in the middle

I realized that the fried chicken thing wasn’t accurate, but was impressed with my bubble diversity. For example, the gluten free bubble people are going to be very different compared to the fried chicken people. I acknowledge that we are fortunate that we have food at all, but this is clearly an oversimplification.

When I visited Upstate NY for the first time, I desperately wanted to return to Seattle. People in New York were mean to each other, no one recycled or composted, everyone used plastic bags, there was so much yelling. The food tasted terrible. The apples were covered in wax, and I had to drive five years to get anywhere.

One time I was in a car while the driver drank from a legit ceramic coffee mug while GOING THROUGH THE MAIL, including opening and reading it. We were crossing the lane lines every 5-10 seconds. I had to say something when she was about to answer the phone. Up until that point, it would have been less stressful to die than to have to explain why all of this was a bad idea for the rest of the drive.

I had forgotten that outside of “Seattle”, mindfulness wasn’t a thing. Nor was intention. Ignorance was still a point of pride.

Most of my Upstate NY family told me that they were voting for Trump. They wanted his slogan regardless of how it happened. They thought that I didn’t understand how the world worked.

No child rape charges, no destroying documents to avoid taxes, no sexual harassment and misogyny, no pathological lying. I could go on forever. I couldn’t even think of words that were strong enough to illustrate him.

When I was in New York, I was stressed out and felt helpless. I had forgotten how the world worked.

That was when I said something I never thought I’d ever say: I want to go back to my bubble.

I have a hypothesis that people who live in those bubbles constantly say to themselves, “It’s fine.” And then they say it to each other. Or yell it at each other. And it’s terrifying.

Because it’s not fine. Nothing about this is fine. They were suffering and expressing it by compounding the suffering around them. As if there wasn’t enough suffering in the world already. Sometimes, I think that people who are suffering want to see the world burn.

I used to live in this bubble.

I think that most people live in a bubble, but a bubble isn’t the same as a clique. I heard that cliques aren’t a thing anymore, even in the cafeteria. I’m pretty jealous, cause I hated trying to fit into a box. But back then, the only thing I knew to do was to try different boxes until I found one I liked, and I never found one I liked. In the end, I was just the floater, whatever that means.

Cliques aren’t a thing anymore! We can be ourselves!

But this isn’t about cliques. It’s about bubbles. You see, bubbles are independent of cliques. You can super duper be yourself in a bubble, because now it’s about values, lifestyle, and healthstyle. And similar bubbles lump together.

I super appreciate the freedom that we have in “Seattle”, but it’s not enough. I want to be exposed to fried chicken and gluten free everything because this is another great way for me to have diversity in my life.

But some bubbles sometimes get to me; there are trade-offs. So, I need some help here. While my bubbles are relatively diverse, I am struggling with exposure.

This is a nice way of saying, I need to be with people with differing values. At the very least, it helps me grow and be informed in a connected way. Plus, I still think almost everyone is good, if given the opportunity, especially early in life. People will always surprise you, if given the opportunity. And I like people. But it can be disruptive because I struggle more with letting go than 80-89% of people.

As someone with Sensory Processing Disorder, I have hyper-empathy, empathic viewing, and a serious sensitivity to the horrors and futures of life (whether real or “fictional”). Like, shit really gets to me easily.

For example, yesterday, after receiving this:

text from awful person wrong number

I was seriously questioning the world. Or at least this country (the area code was Eastern Washington, if you were curious). I was also questioning myself. It was a huge distraction.

bubble

My friend said to me, “I’m not saying it’s the best or only way, but cruelty will make you stronger too. I’ve endured a lot and it’s made me better in a fashion.”

I guessssssssssssss

or

FUCK THAT

(?)(?)(?)

The text message was an unusual circumstance over which I had no control. But the vast majority of the time, I have high control over my bubble exposure.

Obviously, the easy thing to do is just stick with my “Seattle” bubble. But I don’t want to. It means almost guaranteed comfort, but fuck comfort. Being comfortable isn’t fun or impactful at all. Diversity is fun AND impactful.

bubble-diagram

This is a systems diagram and it’s definitely missing stuff. Let me know if you’d like to work on this together.

My guess is that we’re all going to end up reasonably the same around values, but diverse in ways we can’t even imagine yet. I just need to be patient and stay focused on what I need to do to make sure it happens: that we don’t CRISPR out the diversity, and instead embrace diversity with wild ideas.

BUT WHAT BALANCE IN THE MEANTIME? Cause CRISPR diversity is like fifty years away.

Do you have sensory processing disorder? Please share with me some of the tools, books, ideas, and more that help yourself remain effective despite all of the suffering around you.

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